GOOD SEX
This article on Good Sex is a two part serial. This is the first part. Enjoy!
Sex should be enjoyed by everyone involved.
(Here, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, tells Woman’s Day how to make sex better for women).
If you identify as a straight woman, it’s likely you’ve been conditioned your whole life to make sure that your male partner is enjoying themselves in the bedroom. And although it is important that sex is enjoyable for all involved, it’s just as important to ensure that you are having a pleasurable time, too. Sex is, after all, a two (or three, or four, or more) person affair. Everyone’s pleasure and comfortability should be at the forefront. Thankfully,there are plenty of sex tips to make it delightful for everyone involved.
The majority of the tips focus on the moments before and after sex, and with the goal of strengthening communication between sex partners. Of course, there are tips that can be used during sex as well, including checking in with your partner periodically and sharing what you like, and don’t like, as you and your partner(s) are in the throes.
From ensuring consent before and during sex, to experimenting with toys and lubes, here are the best sex tips to make sure things are great for everyone:
Talk about sex.
That doesn’t mean that you should just up your dirty talk and call it a day (although that can definitely be fun). Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, tells Woman’s Day that you should be talking about sex before, during, andafter the deed. “Research suggests that when you talk about sex during sex, you experience higher levels of self-esteem and satisfaction,” she says.
Don’t just talk about fantasies. Talk about what sex means, how important sex is, and what you want from sex.
These conversations don’t have to simply focus on what feels good, either. You should be talking about sex as a noun instead of a verb, O’Reilly explains. So instead of asking about your partner’s fantasies, ask them questions like this: What does sex mean to you? How important is sex to you? How often do you want to have sex? How do you want to feel before, during, and after sex? And of course, these conversations should also focus on establishing consent before and during sex, especially if you’re interested in trying something new with your partner(s). No one can have a great time if they’re not a completely comfortable, willing participant.
Build anticipation.
While most people consider anticipation to be the sexy tease that eventually leads to a big climax, O’Reilly says that’s not entirely true. “Anticipation is not the precursor to pleasure. Anticipation ispleasure,” she says. “If you go straight for the goods, you will both miss out on this important stage of pleasure.” In other words, it’s important to take your time.
Instead of going to the spot that you know will drive you and your partner wild first, O’Reilly says to just suggest you’ll get there. “By alluding to what you’re going to do with your words, body language, and teasing touch, you build sexual energy and desire that mounts into a more climatic response.” In fact, research shows that dopamine, a chemical associated with reward and pleasure, is released as soon as we begin to anticipate a reward — not just when you receive it. “This is why planning a vacation is often more exciting and pleasurable than the trip itself, and why dopamine levels can rise dramatically when we dream of future plans like retirement.”
So instead of jumping right into the deed, make sure you spend time teasing. Kiss their thighs before oral, or have your partner undress you very slowly. That anticipation will just make the moment when you do have sex much more satisfying.
Experiment with edging.
“Edging often refers to working yourself up right to the brink of orgasm several times without allowing yourself to go over the edge and actually climax,” O’Reillysays. It’s similar to building anticipation, but on a larger scale.
Bringing yourself to the brink of an orgasm can intensify the anticipation and make sex last long.
You can practice this with your partner(s), or on your own by masturbating. “Some people take themselves all the way to the brink of orgasm — so a 9 on a scale from 1 to 10 — and then bring themselves back down to a two,” O’Reilly explains. “You might find that you experience more intense and full-bodied pleasure as you prolong the sexual experience through edging. Orgasms may feel more powerful as you delay their onset.”
In addition to intensifying the anticipation, sex will actually likely last longer if you play with edging. You can even use it as a way to slow down the process to ensure everyone finishes.
Get comfortable in your own skin.
“Body image is contagious,” O’Reilly says. “If you’re comfortable in your body, your partner is more likely to enjoy theirs. If you’re self-conscious, it can make them feel self-conscious, too.” While it’s far more easier said than done, taking the first step in cultivating a positive body image can be a revolutionary act of self-love — better sex is just the cherry on top.
According to a study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health, women who feel good about their genitals are more likely to have orgasms and practice sexual health-promoting behaviors, like visiting their OBGYN regularly. So being comfortable in your own skin can improve sex, too. Some ways to cultivate body positivity include posting positive affirmations to your mirror, throwing away your scale, engaging with body positive, inclusive media that shows a wide range of body types, and learning how to accept a compliment.
Use lube.
“Lube makes sex wetter, better, hotter, and more exciting and varied,” O’Reilly says. It also ensures that sex isn’t painful, because it subs in for your natural lubricants, which aren’t always enough to get things going. (And that’s perfectly fine.) “Your options for kissing, rubbing, stroking, twisting, grinding, positioning, and riding are simply far greater when the slippery stuff is involved,” O’Reilly explains . “Research and data confirms that those who use lube report higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and sexual fulfillment.”
What kind of lube you use depends on a lot of things, including allergies and whether you’re using a condom. Water-based lubes are always a safe bet, so reach for one of those if you’re unsure. O’Reilly suggests any of Astroglide’s lubes for some slippery fun.
